Welcome to this year’s International Boost Your Self-Esteem month folks and I promise you that this is not something I have made up in order to talk about confidence!
As far back as the 18th Century we were talking about self-esteem as a concept – well the Scottish philosopher David Hume was when he stated:
“It is important to value and think well of oneself because it serves a motivational function that enables people to explore their full potential.”
Now we all know, logically, that we should be able to value ourselves, talk kindly and with encouragement to ourselves, to celebrate our wins and not chastise ourselves over our mistakes.
That’s the ‘should’ part. In reality we are often very hard on ourselves and in fact we often diminish our own self-esteem by not regularly recognising our true worth and value.
How can we give ourselves a self-esteem boost?
When working with clients on increasing their confidence I always start with the root cause of where their low self-esteem comes from.
This could stem right back to childhood when we may have been given certain ‘labels’ such as “She is the quiet one” or “He is painfully shy around new people” or even “Well their sister does all the talking”
For some clients they were often overshadowed by a sibling or parent/care giver and are only now discovering their voice, their strengths and the impact they can make.
I hasten to add here that this is not counselling but rather a delve into what may have caused a lack of confidence. For some people they need a different approach to confidence coaching to help them overcome a trauma in their past which has affected their inner confidence.
We then move onto the language they are using with and about themselves.
We have a tendency to diminish ourselves when speak often apologising too much, using self-deprecating humour or excusing ourselves when asking a question, for example; “Sorry to bother you but can I just check…” or “I may be completely wrong here so forgive me…” or even “Am I making sense?”
If this is all sounding a bit too close to home – breathe, don’t panic, do NOT apologise and read on.
Start by truly understanding what terminology works for you when it come to self-esteem. For many of my clients the actual word ‘confidence’ has negative connotations so they choose an alternative such as:
- Self-Esteem
- Self-Belief
- Courage
- Bold
- Brave
As soon as you start using the right words for you, you will get a boost as the negative association has been removed and you’ll begin to see a change in your behaviour to match your more positive language.
It’s crucial here to use that same positive language with others as you do with yourself. If your manager has said “You just need to be a bit more confident” then ask them to use your preferred words. Then you can ask them to be more specific: “In what areas can I be more bold?” or “How should I be showing up with more self-esteem?”
Don’t forget – you may be being bold and courageous but they might not be able to recognise or see this so be prepared to discuss this with them.
However, if they are expecting you to change your ways of working or have a complete personality change then remain firm – you are powerful and impactful as you not as a someone else.
I often come across top self-esteem tips and rarely are they wrong, however, many seem to be a mere ‘sticking plaster’ rather than a core resolution to the issue.
This is why it is so vital to understand when, how, where and even who can negatively affect our self-esteem so I regularly ask my clients to keep a confidence diary and note down when they feel their courage taking a nose-dive. It’s essential here to be really clear on describing the situation in full so we can then pick it apart and discover any recurring patterns or themes.
Obviously we cannot completely control what is going on around us, however, we can begin to manage our responses and reactions, see where we can take back control of certain situations and start to apply the following to help strengthen our self-esteem.
Practice self-care by taking part in activities and hobbies that you enjoy and make you feel good about yourself.
Surround yourself with positive people We may not have much control over who we work with however, by spending time with friends and family members who support and encourage you, you’ll begin to hear some lovely compliments. Try to avoid negative people who bring you down as much as possible or at the least set some clear boundaries with them as to how you want to be treated.
Learn to accept compliments What a segway! When someone gives you a compliment, accept it gracefully and thank them. Avoid downplaying the compliment or dismissing it out of hand, instead take a moment to see yourself through their eyes.
Challenge negative self-talk This is when your specific language comes into play. As soon as you notice yourself talking to yourself in a negative way try the following steps:
- Ask yourself “is this thought/self-talk fact or fiction?” Chances are it’s just a belief so fiction. Find a positive fact to counter your belief.
- Counteract the negative self-talk with your positive language about yourself. Have examples to hand of when you were brave or bold if that helps.
Focus on your strengths Go and make a cup of tea, grab pen & paper (not on your phone or tablet!) take some where you will not be disturbed and spend time reflecting on your strengths & talents. Write them ALL down.
Now the cringe part – ask your partner, family, friends, colleagues, manager to write their own list of your strengths, achievements etc. Go on – you can always return the favour. Now put all of your ‘awesome lists’ together and keep these to hand whenever you need a boost.
Celebrate your achievable goals Ensure that your goals are realistic so that when you achieve them (and you will!) you can then celebrate them to cement that achievement within you. This will give you a sense of accomplishment and boost your self-esteem.
If you are still struggling with your confidence or feel that you need more than a boost of your confidence then don’t hesitate to get in touch to see how Confidence Coaching with Kate can help you.
Kx
